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EXTENDED FOREPLAY
This kind of "lovemaking" then becomes like an extended foreplay both
know will end in lovemaking some time in the near future.
If you run your intimate life in this way,
lovemaking takes on a rather different level of importance. It is now
no longer the be-all and end-all of the intimacies you share. This
means that you will cope better with the ups and downs of your sexual
appetites and, mutually attuned, detect sexual interest early and know
how to act on it. Then, when you do have intercourse it is much more
meaningful because it takes place against a background of loving
interest in one another.
Not only are inequalities and variations in
sexual appetite better coped with, but the occasional failure, rather
than becoming a disaster, is kept in perspective because it is
understood that the relationship has far more going for it than
whether or not genital contact is always good.
SECRETS
Lovers of longstanding sometimes find they communicate without words;
they seem to know what the other is thinking and feeling. Shared
secrets help to make this a secret society. The woman may whisper to
her man while they are on the dance floor, that she's wearing his
favourite underwear, for example. "Accidentally" touching your lover's
body in a certain place or in a particular way can have a devastating
effect. Some couples can achieve the same impact with just a look.
Many couples have a private language, that they
use even in front of others, as they tell one another about their
feelings, arousal, or their anticipation of erotic things to come,
which all add to the excitement. All of this makes such a couple much
less likely to suffer from jealousies because they flirt with each
other and look to one another to answer their needs. They do not then
see members of the opposite sex as threatening because they know that
what they have between them is vastly more valuable than anything a
quickie relationship could offer.
If all of this seems nothing more than a
fantasy to you, there are ways of improving things: Start of by going
back to courtship behaviour; many couples have never really courted -
taking every opportunity to show love in different ways. Give one
another presents for no reason. They don't have to be expensive; it's
the thought that matters; kiss more; telephone to say, "I love you."
Leave love-notes around where they'll be found by your lover; go out
with one another as if it were your first date as teenagers. Really
try to please one another as if you were just starting to date. You
may be surprised how much you've taken each other for granted over the
years and how stale the caring and love for one another has become.
It is helpful in any loving relationship to
remember to bear in mind the airline motto "we never forget you have a
choice". There are many couples that let things slip, perhaps year
after year, becoming more and more lazy and thoughtless only to find
when they go back to courtship they've all but forgotten how to deal
with one another in this way. As with so many things in life practice
makes perfect and over the weeks you'll become more proficient at
courting one another. With luck and effort, the combination of making
courtship a priority, and your increased experiences of life, will
reap you a far richer harvest than would have been possible when you
were first going out at the beginning of your relationship.
SENSUAL HOLIDAYS
One of the most fruitful ways of making all this happen is to organise
sensual holidays. A sensual holiday can last from an evening to a
weekend. The main purpose is to get away from your normal day-to-day
routine both in and out of bed and to really court one another.
You can prepare for the holiday beforehand to
get best out of it. Ideas include: the uses of herbal aphrodisiacs
such as ginseng, yohimbe; breakfast in bed; one sensual massage;
lovemaking in an unusual place; a novel type or position of lovemaking
you know your lover would like; or an evening devoted to your lover's
every whim. Each couple will have their own ideas as to what suits
them, or they've always wanted to do.
Send your tokens some days before the holiday
so your lover has time to prepare (if necessary). This also helps
build up excited anticipation for the holiday. Remember, none of this
need be expensive - the whole thing can take place at home with
perhaps a special dinner or outing just for the two of you. Whatever
you do and wherever you do it, the main thing is to give yourselves
over to one another totally and to aim to do things that please and
delight. Talk about it afterwards to see what worked well and what
didn't. It's best to take it in turns to arrange such holidays so each
lover has the opportunity to call the shots and decide what they want.
MASSAGE
Sensual massage is a wonderful way of lovemaking without intercourse.
This form of loving contact is often underestimated. There are few
things a couple can experience together that allow them to be more in
touch with themselves, and to communicate at every level than a
loving, sensual massage. Whether or not this becomes an erotic massage
is up to you, but even if one does lead to the other you still don't
have to end up having intercourse - you could stimulate each other or
simply cuddle and kiss.
FULL BODY ALERT
Sight, sound, smell and taste are powerful aphrodisiacs - exploit them
to the full. Right from babyhood most of us use fewer of our senses
than we might. In learning to please one another without intercourse
it can be helpful to look at how each sense could be better used to
serve lovemaking. Here are some ideas:
THE POWER OF AROMA
Use perfume, perfumed soaps, scented oils for massage, burning joss
sticks, flowers, room perfumes, and anything else (not all at once!)
that helps enhance your sense of smell. Remember, if you perfume
yourself too heavily you'll mask the natural odours that are such a
turn-on for your lover. Make sure you are clean and washed but not so
squeaky clean your natural smells are obliterated. Learn, perhaps for
the first time, how each part of your lover's body smells.
SOUND EFFECTS
The lover's sound can be delicious as you make love. The little
groans, sighs and moans that say "I love you" are all valuable cues to
how things are going. With the lights off, learn to recognise how your
lover's sexual arousal cycle is progressing just by sound alone. Take
a delight in the sounds of your bodies reacting with each other. Use
beautiful music to accompany lovemaking.
ACQUIRING THE TASTE
Get to know how your lover tastes by licking all over. Taste mouths,
faces, sweat, genital secretions and so on. This is intimately tied up
with the smelling exercise since taste and smell are so closely
interlinked. Experiment with all kinds of tactile sensations using not
only your bodies, but also foods, clothing, vibrators and so on. |
